I may sound like a broken record with this worrying nonsense… but i’m told writing about it is therapeutic so here we go!
I’m a worry wart by nature unfortunately, but the amount of anxiety that comes along with trying to conceive, being pregnant, giving birth, keeping the baby alive, and then raising a child is OBNOXIOUS.
On top of this i’m bombarded with studies that say couples without children tend to be happier than parents. (link) Still, I grew up dreaming of raising a family, so now that I have a growing one, shouldn’t I be happy?
Being presented with the biggest shock ever – a Big Fat Positive has been the most exciting news we’ve had in a long time. I was prepared in my mind that there was a chance we would only have our little girl Evy… and I was grateful for just having one, because she pretty much rocks (despite the terrible 2 phase which is vastly approaching). But knowing she is going to have a little brother changes everything. Am I strong enough to take on this added responsibility? I’m already stressed out with one.
Currently, I am very very sleep deprived. Evy has been dealing with some serious sleep regression and I have been up once a night for the past month. I wake up to her crying wondering if she had a night terror, if she’s sick, if her new room is too hot or if she’s dealing with separation anxiety and testing me. She’s also going through this terrible two phase early as she isn’t even 2 years old yet. She says ‘mama’ ‘mama’ ‘mama’ all day long or wants to be picked up… “up on mama”. Not even joking probably about 100 times a day. And if she doesn’t get what she wants, she just whines and cries. It’s awesome.
These are just some the obstacles NO ONE ever warned me about. My anxiety is going through the freaking roof and I try hard not to snap in front of her. I yelled “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” the other day and she freaked out and I felt horrible. Anyone with advice… please help! I know it comes and goes for the next year, but seriously?? My head is pounding and my nerves are on edge.
THEN CAME A DREADED TEST…
I’m now half way through my pregnancy, which is crazy because time is flying I so don’t feel ready for double the work. I know that sounds so lazy and like I’m being so ungrateful, but it’s true. Surely most moms feel that way when the second is on the way, right? At 18 weeks I had to take the blood test to check for downs and Spina Bifida. It’s part of my 2nd trimester screening which is issued by the state, so the results come back a little later than usual via pony express.
Not really thinking anything about it, I receive a call a week later from my nurse who started the conversation very somber. She lets me know they received the letter back from the state and used the word “unfortunately…” which took about 15 seconds to get it all out. I was driving at the time so I pulled over before so I didn’t throw up everywhere. “Unfortunately, the results were inconclusive”. What does that mean? Are you kidding? Are you just saying I need to retest because it was bad news and they need to double check? I almost cried.
I was reassured that it just meant that they couldn’t run the test because the blood was spoiled or spilled or whatever reason that they didn’t have enough. I had to reschedule to test and then wait an additional week for the results. It was harder to wait for the results the second time around. We just continued to pray that my 20 week old inside of me was strong and healthy, but would obviously love and cherish my baby if results proved otherwise. Finally I got the call with an immediate, “great news, Cam…” I can’t tell you how relieved I was. As I’ve mentioned before… Little victories, little victories.
I’m sure everything is heightened because of my pregnancy hormones, my nerves being rattled, my parenting skills being challenged daily, and my sleep deprivation…
But on the flip side, I have a daughter who wants constant love and affection, who looks up to me for direction and boundaries, a beautiful new home to keep my growing family safe, and a healthy little 20 week baby giving me kicks all day long to say hi. It’s all about perspective and reminding myself daily just how lucky I am. Is parenting the hardest thing in the world? Probably… but the rewards out weigh the anxiety… and for that I am forever grateful, until my the little pickle wakes up from her nap… 😉