Getting ready for our Frozen Embryo Transfer, I’m sitting there patiently looking at the $2000 worth of medicine on our dining room table. All the tests results show I’m good to go… so all I’m waiting for is the dreaded period to begin the process.
My cycles had been a bit irregular since giving birth to E so I just figured it would be a few days late. But just in case… every morning I took a pregnancy test (I bought the cheap ones in bulk). The docs said we would have a less than 3% chance of naturally conceiving but I figured what the hell, I’ll be doing IVF anyway and won’t need these tests anymore.
I went about my morning in the same manner… made E and I breakfast, played a bit, and then started to clean up. I walked into my bathroom getting ready to brush my teeth when I glanced over at the pregnancy test that I had taken over an hour ago. A faded line? What? This cannot be for real. My heartbeat ended up in my throat and I just didn’t know how to process it “yay”? “oh shit?” “how?” “now what?” I went from shock, to excitement, to fear in a matter of 20 seconds. I have never carried through a natural pregnancy as they all lead to miscarriages, so my initial thought was… this is a could go totally wrong AGAIN.
I was very ready to start with the IVF process, the process that I know works with my body, with an embryo that is 2 years younger than me and is part of my daughter’s batch. It was a sure bet in my mind, but now I am left confused and worried. What happened to that movie moment when the women looks at a pregnancy stick after trying to conceive and screams with crazy ass joy? Where was that emotion? Unfortunately, my past has blocked that emotion and replaced it with a cautious and fearful sub conscience.
Someone once told me to celebrate the little victories in life, otherwise you’re just caught in this “what if” moment and you’ll miss out on the little “hooray” moments. And who doesn’t love a “hooray” moment?! I quickly made a phone call… not to my husband like one would think… but to the pharmacy to see if I can return the expensive meds.
I wanted to be able to tell my husband in person that night, “yay we’re pregnant and yay we got our money back too!” The pharmacist felt my emotions as I was a bit TMI with my whole story and she agreed to give us a full refund. Another little victory accomplished… hooray!
Next I grab my pregnancy calculator app and plot in my last menstrual date for curiosity. What? My birthday? Come on… what are the chances? November 2nd, 2017. This has to be a sign. We implanted Evy’s embryo on this exact date back in 2014. This gave me chills.
I anxiously waited for my husband to come home to share the news. It was nearly impossible keeping this secret to myself and away from everybody I came into contact with that day, including Simone who I was texting.
Hubs came home and I showed him an eviction notice I made that I had put on E’s crib. It took him a minute to digest what was going on and immediately he said “shut up”. And just like my reaction, he said right away “now Cam, you know what happened the last time we naturally conceived, we mustn’t get too excited just yet.” I mean, a hug would have been nice… or an “oh my god we’re having a baby!” moment would have been the norm. Still, it’s a small victory and we embrace these little milestones. Of course we were excited, but I was more terrified for some reason and couldn’t shake it.
After texting my fertility doc that we naturally conceived with a slight “ha, in your face Mr less than 3%’ attitude, he congratulated me and promised that they would still look after me every week before I transfer to see my OB. It’s so crazy that your OB doesn’t take you in until you’re far along the pregnancy. My blood work came back with an hCG of 89 and then a 210 two days later. YES! It’s doubling!! This is really happening!!
Luckily, I had taken a progesterone test as well, which showed that I was below average. I tested 12 ng/ml and they wanted to see it reach 20+ ng/ml so I was put on suppositories right away. Since I’ve been down this road before, I knew which brand to choose (see progesterone post). 200mg of Prometrium to be inserted every night before going to bed. I don’t know if it made me more sluggish, but I wasn’t feeling 100%. Probably a combination of everything. Every week I went to the fertility doc to see the growth of the sac as well as my levels of progesterone rise. It was all looking good.
At my 7 week appointment we finally saw the heartbeat… our fears and anxiety finally turned into our ‘hooray’ moment. It was another mini victory because I had never reached this stage with conceiving naturally. But still, every week that went by I held my breath until I could see that little heart beating on the next ultra sound.
I now pray for a smooth ride from here on out and hope my fears subside. But do they really? Having Evy, I feel like fears just keep growing… if it’s not this, it’s that… I guess life offers you surprises, emotional ups and downs, and hopefully more joys than sorrows. I will just have to count all my blessings and trust that this baby is here to stay. Hooray!